Dissatisfaction and the Angry Mule

Do Not Disturb. Not all of the time, anyway.

2006-10-11T12:25:00.000-03:00

Yay for bi-monthly (isn't it weird that the term means both "every two months" AND "twice a month"?) posting. Quick updates - yes, I have a job, it's at Future Shop, putting things on shelves so people can wallow in capitalism and excess. By the way, I'm only a hypocrite if denounce said excess, which I don't. I instead satirize and defame it, which is fine. I do pretty much the same thing with my own day-to-day life. In other news, pretty sure I know what I want to do with my life, but I want to talk to some people who's opinion and ability to think things through I value, before I ultimately dive in. Frankly, it will be a difficult road to get going on, and I'm not chock fulla time here - 30 is looming.

Anyway, on to the meat. I just happened to click on a link today, purely out of curiousity, about Barbara Streisand cussing out a heckler. I did so, expecting nothing more than a good chuckle at Babs' expense. I got that, but I also gleaned this gem from ol' Barbara, which nudged a cog and got the wheels turning, if you will:

"The artist's role is to disturb."

Now, while I don't consider myself some great artist of renown, I do feel I'm quite capable, as is just about anyone, of artistic expression. I also feel, had I trained hard and worked at it, I could have been considered a professional artist in one capacity or another. Looking at it from either point of view, I just can't agree with the above statement, at least not in the context she seemed to be placing it (link to full article here). Can an artist disturb with their work? Certainly, in fact some art is made specifically for that purpose. But to say an artist's role is to disturb is vaguely akin to saying a soldier's role is to kill (yes, I do heart the extreme examples).

Let's bring it back a notch, though, and assume she was talking more about "disturbing the normal way of thinking". I still can't agree that it's the artist's role to do that. Why can't some art be edifying, supporting, uplifting? Is it always about challenging paradigms and being "edgy"? Sometimes, it seems like that's what people demand from art, and if it's not there, then it's rehashed or kitsch or, God forbid, common.

To paraphrase what a musician once said "I like to think of my lyrics as more of a roadmap. There's a general idea there, but you can follow them to the destination you choose." Sounds a bit hippy, maybe, but think about it - if I make any kind of weighted statement in a group of as little as 10 people, chances are there is not going to be one uniform way in which my words were received. Now, if a simple statement has that chance of being interpreted differently, what are the chances that a more complex (hopefully) work of art could also have multiple interpretations, and inspire multiple feelings, reactions, and trains of thought across the same cross-section of people, and society as a whole?

I'm probably making mountains out of molehills here, but the statement jarred me. In the end, I'm not sure an artist should have a defined role. Art is about expression - song, dance, poetry, photo, illustration, media, comedy, drama, what have you - it all stems ultimately from wanting to express something, be it concrete idea, fleeting emotion, or something else in that near infinite spectrum. The role is not important, what's being expressed is. Let the artist just be the artist. Let the art take the role.

Next time on the Angry Mule: Pancakes. Why I want some.

Explosive Creativity, Sans Spark

2006-06-29T12:20:00.000-03:00

Hi.

Yes, it's been a long time. No, I don't have a new job. I'm not whining about that, because I have something else to whine about and don't want to "use it all up" just here. Suffice to say, money is tight, getting tighter, and soon I'm fairly certain I will be taking whatever the heck I can get that will allow me to not starve. I don't regret leaving the old job - I get updates from a former co-worker, it still blows there. I just think it might've been prudent to have started my search BEFORE I did, but I knew I wouldn't try unless I had to, so yada yada.

Ok, so does anyone else ever have this problem where they feel like they might explode if they don't get something creative out? I only ask because I've felt that way for the past 10 years, roughly. I mean, I like to think I'm a fairly creative individual with a deep-thinking mind, and I have, in the past, found temporary outlets for creativity. But it's not enough - it never has been, and I'm not sure it ever will be. I feel like I have this giant geyser of...something...boiling up inside me. I feel like I've got some sort of epic or opus or whatever that just LONGS to get out. It's close to painful, honestly.

The problem is twofold:

1) I am a lazy perfectionist. What does this mean? Basically, it means that unless I can do something perfectly, I will probably not bother doing it. What does this mean for creative endeavours? It means that I start, get fed up because it's not perfect, get discouraged, and quit. Yes, it's a shitty (that's right, shitty - this bothers me a lot) attitude and approach. But there it is. It also leads into...

2) I am a pansy. I'm afraid of whatever comes out of me NOT being perfect. Isn't that stupid? I'd never hold anyone else to that standard, but you'd better believe I need to be perfect, or else I'll regret it. Or so I'm told. By myself.

So instead of being creative myself, I just enjoy other people's creativity in order to escape. Good hobby, bad application.

I don't care if it's songs, or a work of fiction, or a friggin' paper mache statue of the Sugar Crisp Bear. In an ideal world, someone would be filthy rich and see fit to fund my creative genius, and I would actually be ambitious enough to overcome my laziness and produce some work of brilliance that would inspire mankind for years to come. Can't get enough of that Sugar Crisp.

For the few of you still checking this blog, here you go, another self-serving and id-driven piece of Hooper to marvel at. Sigh...I've missed this. So very helpful to come and talk about myself in a (semi) anonymous forum. That being said, don't be suprised if it's another 3 months before my next post. My life is terribly bland, and talking about me comes in fits and spurts of candidness, not consistent revelations.

PS - Jo, name my car!

PPS - I realize I'm pretty self-centered, no worries, but what do you think - is it EXTREMELY self-involved to think that I have some massive creative gem lodged deep within me, or am I giving in to Hollywood-Rockstar fantasy here? Note that recognition is not a driving force for me in this regard, which is both a source of relief and pride, which in turn is self-centered. I am wonderfully symmetrical in my narcissism.

Epidermal Integrity be Damned!

2006-03-22T16:38:00.000-04:00

Settle this debate for Whitey and I:

Rock-hard exoskeleton or thick gelatinous membrane? Which would you rather have as an outer shell? I vote membrane, Whitey seems stuck on the exoskeleton. See, I think that a good, thick gelatinous membrane will be self-sealing and regenerating, and as such, it's only real weaknesses are extreme temperatures, save for outlandish things like planetary collision or something. The exoskeleton, while likely quite impervious to high heat, is still susceptible to freezing, as well as erosion and high impact strikes from hard materials.

Clearly, this is the most important issue you will face in the weeks to come. So decide now, boon readers.

It's Done

2006-03-17T17:20:00.000-04:00

Gave the two week's notice today. Feel slightly nervous, and more excited about it.

That is all. I will try to blog "normal" again soon.

Make me LOL

2006-03-14T01:27:00.000-04:00

So yeah, I'm not feeling particularly creative, work still blows, yada yada. I need to give my two weeks notice soon - make me chuckle with the most creative way you can think to do that. Note that the scheme need not necessarily involve a yeti, but your chances of bringing out the guffaws greatly increase should you find a way to do so.

Also, in all seriousness, for those of you that pray, wow, could I use some direction for my...um...well, life. Quite frankly, even just a notion that I should CONSIDER pursuing something would be good at this point. Hoping the time away from work will give me extended periods to catch what He's saying. I'm frightfully dim when it comes to listening, I really am. But I make a mean omelette, so let's spiritualize that.

One more thing, for recent good and insightful discussions (i.e. much better than this drivel), head on over to AJ and Jo's blogs. Not that the rest of you aren't cool, just they're a little cooler is all. Like that kid in high school you wanted to be. Shame on you, envy is a sin.

It's Hard to Stay in Shape when Physics Hates Me

2006-03-03T09:04:00.000-04:00

So I'm sitting in my computer chair at home, leg propped up on my bed, absent from work. Why you ask? Last night, playing basketball, I managed to get hurt. This should not surprise anyone, since I also manage to hurt myself doing things like playing pool, sitting at a desk, and eating. This, however, is worse. I went up for a shot in the lane, and came down on someone's foot. The ankle went over, and there was a positively GORGEOUS tearing sound, not unlike paper being ripped in two. Oh yeah, and then it hurt like a kick in the balls from a donkey on fire for about half an hour.

This morning, my foot looks kinda like a balloon animal. A big, disgusting, diseased balloon animal. I'd take pics and post 'em, but my digital camera wire has been AWOL for a few months now, and despite efforts to replace it, it seems I had the only cable in existence capable of fitting my camera's port. Anywway, it suffices to say that around the ball of my ankle and the top of my foot, I've got some severe swelling and some colorful bruising. It's sorta like art. HEY! I'm gonna start that, a new art form - injury art. "The swelling around the joint represents man's struggle with utilitarian society." I will yet be rich.

As I mentioned, I am somewhat injury prone. This is making it increasingly frustrating to try and get in shape as I get older. Last summer, it was my bike accident (I DO have pics of that stored on the computer, for anyone who wants to see - I think the raw skin on my palms really captures the essence of nature vs. industry). I'd just gotten that bike, was having fun and getting good exercise, and then boom, no use of my hands for a week, and no real hard activity for a month and a half. About a month and a half ago, again at basketball, I got smoked in the head by an elbow, split it open, and received 9 stitches for my trouble, also cutting my night pitifully short in the exercise department. Despite stretching and warming up, back while I was lifting weights, I would often pull something, seemingly out of no real effort.

I would like very much not to grow old and get fat. It appears first, however, the laws of Physics and I will have to duel - an epic death match sure to produce great works of art that will be appreciated down through the ages.

Stocks for Feb. 24, 2006

2006-02-24T13:26:00.000-04:00

Yay, the Stock Report is back!

Here's the ticker:

Up:

George Foreman Grill - up 14 2/3

I'm really not sure what possessed George Foreman to make a grill. Maybe he wanted healthier eating alternatives. Maybe he got hit so much he needs a barbeque for dummies. Maybe he can't have kids anymore and just really wanted something else to name after himself. Who knows? All I know is that I'm giving him a virtual hug for it.

I got a grill for Christmas, it'd been something I'd wanted for a while. By the way, mum and dad, way better gift than the ice scraper of '03. I love you both, but that was a terrible gift, and you should be ashamed. Anyway, this grill rules. It's small, which is good, because I have about 3 square feet of counter total by the time you factor in appliances and my roommate's inability to understand the proper use of storage space or garbage cans. It heats up quick, it's easy to clean, and it helps me eat tasty, healthy food. So does willpower, but the grill is much more fun to employ. And best of all, it's endorsed by a guy who hit people for a living. That's tough.

Holding:

Computer Programming

You know about my dissatisfaction with my job, so I won't go into that again. It's a shame, because some computer programming is actually really fun. I like problem solving, I like coming up with a creative answer to a problem, and that's something that CAN be done when you're programming. Unfortunately, a lot of what I do is very routine, and very repetitive - so much so that I've come up with a couple different programs that actually WRITE that repetitive code for me - yup, I wrote applications that write other applications. It's foreshadowing for the year 2065 when AI becomes
sentient and aware and forces us all into slave labor, making the world 23% more efficient. All hail our mechanical overlords. Glad I could do my share, please give me a cybernetic arm so I can be better at sports.

No matter how much automation I can infuse into the process, however, there will always be more monotony than creative opportunity in this job. It's the nature of the business, I'd say. In a real way that's comforting and safe, since there's no pressure to constantly be creative and dynamic, but that doesn't mean it's better. I may dislike and shy away from the stress of creating due to perfectionism, but it's also true that when push comes to shove, I thrive under the same stress. A cursory reading of my best college papers will prove this. And it's still true that you write your best code between 2 and 3 in the morning.

Down:

Unnecessary abbreviations - down 6 1/4

So I know half a million people or so have already complained about this. I'm just adding to the fire because rage is funny, and justified rage is justified and funny. Hmm..."Justified and Funny" sounds like a great name for a comedy tour. Or an evangelism conference. The parallels just keep cropping up.

Anyway, I'm pretty freakin' sick of dumb abbreviations, mainly via the internet. I'm not talking about stuff like "btw" (by the way), "brb" (be right back), or "ossmmhiciaml" (oh sweet merciful mother, my hand is caught in a metal lathe!).
I deem all that acceptable - if I'm chatting with someone and I need to use the bathroom or save my hand from steely devastation, I wanna be able to type it as fast as I say it. No problem, sometimes I'm having a good typing day and will type it out, sometimes my fingers are feeling fat (probably the day after I eat a whole 16" pizza, for example - sorry George) and the shortened version is simpler.

No, the truncations and aberrations of spelling that bother me are the ones that subsitute single letters for 2-3 letter words. Things like "u" instead of "you", "2" and "4" instead of "to", "too", and "for". Really, if the time it takes to type out two extra letters is that valuable to you, just get up five minutes earlier in the day. Personally, I blame boy-bands for the whole epidemic. Of course, I blame them for adult acne, the popularity of Kaballah, and apartheid as
well. The bottom line is, don't keep this trend alive - otherwise, I will c u l8r, and u r going 2 get ur kneecaps busted in 4 perpetuating this awful craze. I kid u not.

Maybe I'll Play the Lottery

2006-02-22T16:13:00.000-04:00

I don't know why I'm giving you all a work update, I think I just need to vent or something. Anyway, here's the deal: My gung-ho and eternally optimistic workaholic boss has another new business plan, which makes something like a million in the past few months (I'm exaggerating, but yeah). In this one, he's decided we need the help of investors, and has hatched some crazy investment plan wherein they get a huge return on their money since we're what you'd call a "high-investment" risk. That's akin to saying wolverine-juggling is a "high-blood-loss" sport. In other news, once my cuts heal, I'm considering turning pro.

Anyway, he says he has an investor lined up, but that it could also fall through at any second. Basically, the pattern here has been any time something is imminent or my boss has a great plan that's sure to succeed, it doesn't pan out and we spend the next few months the same way we spent the previous few - gradually billing a little more, not really going anywhere, still suffering from poor organization, and increasing bad morale with cruddy work conditions and low pay. The other programmer and I are pretty much fed up with the cycle - my boss makes great speeches and has ambitious ideas, but all talk and no action makes for a pretty uninterested Geoff. I know what you're thinking, why don't I take initiative and make suggestions myself or start the work towards change? Because I get the impression it won't matter, and I'm frankly beyond caring - yes, my typically cynical responses, but I'm 99% sure this company is not gonna make it, with or without my heroic efforts, and that makes it hard to want to invest in it's future, especially when I don't like a lot of what I do.

What today's little talk about investors and the business plan basically boiled down to this, for me: We MIGHT move to better working conditions if we can convince some crazy investor we're worth the effort (for the record, the product IS pretty great, but something isn't quite working with the company), and then it'll be at least 8 more months (read: probably twice as long), if everything goes ok, before we get a raise from the piddly wages we make now. That's just not acceptable to me - I understand why they want to put everything back into the business, but part of that is us, and when we've been going on a year and a half at the same pay rate per hour (which, by the way, is slightly less than I made while working produce at the grocery store, and now less than my roommate makes after 5 months at his job with the same degree as me and less qualifications), I think we've got a right to be fed up, especially when we've supposedly been able to see this "light at the end of the tunnel" for a while now. For crying out loud, we don't even get benefits. We get coffee if it's remembered, and a box of donuts if decadence rules the day. Last time I looked, "Caffeinated and Fat" was not the ideal state for employees. It's one of my personal preferences, but then again, I march to a different drummer. A fat and caffeinated drummer. Which also describes me. Oh ho, the circular nature of my own ramblings.

So yeah, I guess I'm venting, and also affirming the fact that, once I figure out what I'm gonna do with myself, I'm outta here. I just don't like it enough to stick it out, especially when it's not even providing enough recompense to pay for health needs, support any hobbies I might have, or plan for a future, which I hear is what responsible adults do.

In other news, I would like some pizza. Or maybe a pizza trophy.

Also, vote now: Star Wars Stormtrooper army vs. Genetically-Engineered Fighting Bunny army - who wins, and why?

Just to affirm you...

2006-02-17T00:25:00.000-04:00

I was thinking about my blog and blogging the other day, and it occurred to me that many of you comment on mine, but I so rarely comment on yours. You might think I am not reading them. But I am. OR AM I? No, ok, I really am. I often don't comment because a lot of what comes out of my mouth is what the so-called "liberal media" deems "toilet humor" and "violently offensive" and "downright upsetting" and "in Portuguese".

So I say all that to say this - I read your blogs, I very much enjoy your blogs, I just pick and choose where to express my opinion/love of fart jokes, so that you can be spared my generally mundane thoughts on the matter. I'm not totally self-absorbed. Just the other day, I held the door for someone*. Honest.

* She was hot.

And the award for best blogging in a supporting role goes to...

2006-02-07T15:15:00.000-04:00

So I've been thinking about stuff I would've rather done as a job had I the time, ambition, money, what have you. I came up with a few things, and you, gentle readers, are fortuitous enough to read about my pipe dreams. Encourage my frivolity and absent-minded ponderings!

Character Actor: While I'm sure you're all thinking "But Hooper, you have the charm, the suave, nay, the raw animal magnetism required to be a leading man!", in reality, that's just not my cup of tea. I think it'd be great to play the confidence man, or the sketchy friend, or the loveable but ill-fated sidekick. To me, those roles can be interpreted and explored so much more than most leading roles can. In fact, in my opinion, 90 percent of the time it's character actors that make a show or movie great.

Stay-At-Home Dad: Now, admittedly, this one came out of left-field, but the more I think about it, I really wish I weren't so frightfully afraid of committment, because this just screams awesome to me. Being able to set my own schedule, work at my own pace, be responsible for something that actually matters and to be able to be in a support role for someone else - heck yeah. Actually, I guess it's a lot like my desire to be a character actor. I dig the support roles. Go me, I'm a team player. Except when it comes to food. I don't like sharing food. At any rate, the ship has pretty much sailed on this one, unless one of you lovely ladies feels like being my sugar-mama. For the record, I make a mean omelette, and I like giving foot massages. Just saying.

Stay-At-Home Rockstar: Someone front me $50,000, and I'll make a record at home. That would be great. I could like, web-cam tour. Concerts would take place in my bedroom, and be broadcast via satellite to several jumbo-trons at once, in various high-profile stadiums around the world. Clearly, the best idea ever. Let's build this global city on rock and roll.

Soccer-Mom: Purely for the shock value and the minivan.

Dragon-slayer: Not that many dragons around anymore, from what I gather. Meh, whatever, as long as I get to wield a sword, I'd lower myself to slaying things like rogue giraffes and tax attorneys.

Wheelman: Purely for the shock value and the minivan. And the driving gloves.

Missionary: I'll probably end up doing this one someday, whenever my stuff gets together. Don't ask what that means, that's a large can of worms. Suffice to say I can't get it out of my head, which probably is a good indication that I'm being prepped for it, or else I can't think of anything better.

Honorable mentions: Pirate, Restaurant Critic, Movie Critic, Ninja, Bounty Hunter, Caretaker, Video-game beta-tester, Pirate-ninja.

Comment, Rebutt, Contribute! Humor me with your dream jobs! What would YOU do for shock value and a minivan?

If this is my midlife crisis, the good news is I'm halfway done

2006-02-01T18:29:00.000-04:00

No comments on how long it took me to post. I'm very sensitive about it/don't care.

So yeah, I don't think I'm cut out to be a computer programmer for the rest of my life. Mostly because it seems to bore the crap out of me some days. Some days, it's ok, but more and more frequently I find myself sleepy and uninterested in doing my work, which produces less than desirable results. Also, sitting in a computer chair all day is slowly turning my already bad back into a nerve and muscle network of pain. So mainly I'm tired and hurting all day, and getting paid very little to do it. No thanks, I might as well just be a rodeo clown. Hmmm...

Anyhow, this is bad news, since I'm not trained to do anything else, and I will be 30 this year. Vagrancy is not an option, and at this point, for me, going back to school and paying to study something else that might not turn out to be my thing seems unlikely as well. Sooo...

I'm genuinely asking because I'm genuinely adrift here. What should I do? I really don't know what my next step is - unfamiliar territory for me. While I've been "in between" things before, I've always had a good idea of what to do next, or at least a good idea of how to figure it out. Not so this time. I ask the same questions everyday:

Should I suck it up, stick it out with programming, hope either things get better at this company or try to find something elsewhere?

Should I try schooling once more, thinking really carefully and committing fully to a career path before making my decision?

Should I pack my bags, get on a plane, and fly off to somewhere where I can help less fortunate people in a practical and tangible way? This is a serious question, but seems escapist to me.

Should I become a private eye? I've been watching Veronica Mars lately, so this one definitely seems sexy.

Unfortunately, you need some sort of way to support yourself in this world, which is just terrible, because my skillset is pretty much "eating, sleeping, smartassedness". Honestly. There are other things I can do, sure, but that's about all I'm really good at. Heck, I'm not even good at what I do now - I'm average at best. This is not a cry for sympathy or a cast for compliments and affirmation - this is reality. I'm the veritable Jack of All Trades.

I'm asking the people who read this blog because, for the most part, you're also the people that know me best. I mean, I'm sure I'll figure it out on my own just fine, but maybe for some reason, one of you has insight or can relate something I've not thought about. By the way, please don't just say "pray about it, trust God, etc. etc." - those things are obvious. I'm looking for real suggestions, here.

Sacrilicious Indeed

2005-10-28T13:33:00.000-03:00

-> Discuss. <-

Be sure to read the FAQ, by the way.

Good News! The Point System of Strange and Suspect Turmoil (PSSST) is here!

2005-10-12T19:00:00.000-03:00

Here are your point totals, in no particular order, except for the fact that they are from biggest to smallest, and I probably like the people at the top more. OR DO I*?

**

AJ: 352
Whitey: 314
Jo: 255
Meeks: 217
Brewer: 198
Rossy: 105
Doug: 91
Brando: 89
Leighton: 84
Bucket: 13
AP: 10
Billings: 8
Some random conspiracy theorist: 8
Random guy who pointed out the crap intregrity of my company's server: 3
Computer repair guy: 2
Blog Spammer (Lumber Version): -126

So, clearly, some of you have some work to do. I'm going to keep better track from now on***, so you'd better bring your "A" game to this blog. Go big or go home. Give %110. Take it one game at a time. Never look a gift horse in the mouth. Spare the rod and spoil the child. And so on.

* I do****.

** Disclaimer: Point totals may or may not have arbitrarily been assigned by reading barcode labels off of cans I found in my cupboard.

*** This means when I'm bored I'll read serial numbers off of money and make up new totals.

**** OR DO I?

Help me iChoose, or you have no iHeart and are possibly an iFascist (because iNazi seems excessive)

2005-09-26T14:46:00.000-03:00

Hi everybody,

Quick self-indulgent CD creation update: Song #1 is nearly completion in rough draft form, and I must say I'm pleased - lyrically it's pretty good, won't need much revision, and it blends pretty well with what I wanted musically for the opening track. Songs #4 and either #6 or #7 have solid ideas and names as well, and the whole concept is forming up nicely, with ideas coming at a fairly steady rate. If none of that sounds too impressive, trust me - it's unbelievable progress for me. I also have most of my new base recording setup together, just waiting on my USB interface to arrive. It's all very exciting, and I can see how it COULD come together, now it just needs to.

Alrighty, on to the also self-indulgent meat of this post: I'ma lookin' to score myself some sort of iPod contraption. I'm not wanting a full fledged iPod, so I'm basically trying to decide between the Shuffle and the Nano. Basically, I'm planning on using the thingy for exercising and maybe use at work. I like the capacity and the added functionality (in case my life somehow gets more complicated) of the Nano, but I've heard it scratches up easily and it costs double what I could get a Shuffle for, and since I'd go 1GB on the shuffle, 240 songs (give or take) would probably be plenty. That being said, it's not outside my realm of possibility to acquire either, and I don't want to cheap out now and regret it later. Also, if the Nano does scratch like they say, I don't really care too much, since I'm generally a function over form guy anyway.

So, whaddya think, savvy consumers? Help me feed the corporate machine and accesorize my life.

I've been busy

2005-08-31T13:45:00.000-03:00

No I haven't, that's a lie. But, since Meeks threatened to expose me to the Down Under, I have no choice but to blog again.

See, the problem lies in the fact that my life is REALLY BORING. Honestly, I'm not doing much here. I work, eat, sleep, and every so often, I do slightly more entertaining things. I'm also not one to prattle on about mundane details in my life, since I don't really like talking about myself that much to begin with, and assume that if I find my life boring, chances are others will too.

Anyway, why am I blogging now? Because I'm asking you, good readership, to hold me accountable to something. Kind of. It's not gonna make or break me if you don't, but I figure if I state it publicly, it'll put more of an impetus on me to actually follow through.

Bottom line, I've wanted to make a CD for several years now. Way too many. I kept putting it off because I either get caught up in other things, or I get in perfectionist mode where everything I come up with is unsatisfactory and as such get discouraged. I've suddenly realized I'm gonna be 30 next year, and I gotta accomplish something, so why not start with my biggest dream and work my way down, eh?

Unfortunately, as I and the congregation of Saint John First Wesleyan found out this past weekend, my skills, wherever they were at one point, have diminished quite a bit. I played drums for the worship team there Sunday morning. It was not good. That was not the point of the worship service, don't worry, I get that. But I wasn't impressed at all.

So, I'm going back to practicing. Starting tonight, and every night I head over to my parents for supper, I'm going down to my drumkit that still resides in the basement and practicing for an hour. I'm looking into new equipment for playing and recording guitar, bass, and maybe a keyboard. If any of you hear about any good deals on a nice guitar that's NOT a strat, any solid effects pedals, sound boards, mics, or especially a good keyboard, please let me know. I'm serious about this, and I'm trying to work up the courage to take a leap of faith and dish out the funds necessary to fill out my sonic arsenal to the point where the ideas floating in my head can actually take form.

I've always believed I can do this, but I've always let the perfectionist attitude in me and the cost dissuade me. No more. I really want to do this, I almost feel like I HAVE to do it. It's not for the accolades if it were good or not, it's just for the sheer fact that I LOVE music, I love creating it, love messing around with it, and just have a need to get ideas, thoughts, creativity, whatever, out of my head and into the world, even if it's not the perfect final product I want it to be.

Personally, I feel like it's something to pray for, and if you do too, go right ahead - I especially could use inspiration for lyrics that make you think, but don't dwell on me, or on problems so much as the Savior, who's the solution to those things. I've got an idea for the CD, it's a neat concept that I don't quite want to share yet, but if I can pull it off the way I'd like to, it'll be not only a catharsis for me, but maybe even be a help or a comfort or an encouragement, heck even a warning, to those going through similar points in their walk with God.

Wow, it sounds so daunting to actually talk about. I don't care, I'm still doing it.

No title will do this justice

2005-06-24T15:01:00.000-03:00

Hey all,

It's come to my attention that I suck at regular blogging. Mostly because I knew that would be the case a couple months ago when I started this thing, but it's been proven true with time. Yada yada, blah blah, I'll post as I come up with stuff, I guess.

One of the main reasons I've been less than fruitful with posts is because I've been through a bit of a crisis of...everything, lately, and the resultant stress and anxiety left me the ability to do little more than wash myself and remember to perform life-affirming rituals like "eat" and "sleep". Ask me personally sometime if you see me, and I'll give the story with varying degrees of detail, depending on how much I like and/or trust you. Suffice to say, I now find myself thinking "Yeah, it's probably about time (and by that I mean it's about 5 years later than it should be) that I stopped being an idling, complacent, self-serving jackass and decide whether or not God is gonna rule my life."

So I've decided to not do the stupid thing and now I find myself with no clue other than to open myself up to Him how to relearn, or even learn, how to trust Him with everything. By the way, while I will accept advice here, I'm not explicitly looking for it. I hate to play the Bible College card, because I know there's still plenty to learn, but having gone there for four years, I feel I at least have a handle on the gist of theology. What I mean is that I've not been the most successful at staying faithful and steady when I AM walking with Him, and since I haven't been walking with Him for about 4 years now, the rust and inner demons have somewhat piled up.

Fortunately, I seem to have been graced at this time by an undeserved amount of dediciation to trying. All of you who are more disciplined and wiser than I should fully prepare for taxing question and answer periods. I will attempt to provide refreshments on the veranda immediately following. I may ask you to provide the veranda.

Long story short, I am humbled and broken, I'm willing to open myself up and I'm hoping for faith and belief beyond what I feel I can exercise, because doing this on ye olde "own strength" doesn't seem like an option. Thought some of you might like to know that, since you apparently love me for irrational and heartwarming (seriously) reasons and refuse to give up on me, even if you would occasionally like to beat me with blunt stuff all too often for being silly.

So there that is.

This post is infused with the power of Guarana...

2005-05-18T15:27:00.000-03:00

...as is EVERYTHING else, it would seem. The junk is literally everywhere. Well, OK, mostly in drinks, but being an all-natural source of energy that has basically the same effect as caffeine, it's only a matter of time before it's stuck in every freakin' thing we could possibly injest. I look forward to guarana-infused coffee and the ensuing heart palpitations.

Good news - the shakes now come in berry form. GUARANA IS A DRUG!

For those of you who need a little background on this wonderful, wonderful berry (it's really all about berries, honestly), go ahead and cruise on over to this site. Ah the internet - helping us get all hopped up since 1997, roughly, depending upon your level of tech-geekiness.

I haven't actually tried the sodas that are made from Guarana, although our local Brazilian restaurant, Samba Brazil, has them in stock. Maybe I'll try some next time, though if you know my affinity for coffee or my general ineptitude for sleeping, you'll know that I don't need anything remotely caffeinesque, let alone a substance that matches it chemically. Seriously, crack might be a more healthy choice for me.

The weirdest colloboration between guarana and product I've seen thus far has to be the beers infused with the junk. Labatt has come out with "Shok" and Molson has responded with "Kick". Being an enjoyer of beer (GASP!), I have serious doubts as to how well this would work (fruity beer is roughly equivalent to fruity steak, no matter what the testosterone level is on the panel of judges), or conversely, how legitimate it is. As it turns out, there are more questions to be raised about the beers and the berry in general.

I'm hoping against all hope that this doesn't explode into a crazy marketing trend, but it's got all the makings of a crazy fad that will be particularly popular with youth culture. And we all know that youth culture needs less sleep and more chemically altering substances. I look forward to the many news stories of "guarana-related violence" to come. The beer names are simply harbingers. Ah well, whatever keeps the blame off us.

This weeks assignment: Tell me what product you think it would be horrible/hilarious (often the same thing) to see guarana in.

Vocal Vocation

2005-04-30T10:59:00.000-03:00

I've had an epiphany - I now know what my dream job is, and I'm gonna pursue it like a plains-running feline pursues sweet, juicy antelope. Mmm...antelope. It's not rock-star, it's not energy-weapon wielding hero of the universe. Not even close.

I wanna be a movie trailer voice-over guy.

I just finished perusing a bunch of new movie trailers, as Saturday morning habit often dictates, and found myself overwhelmed at how little this guy has to work, but how much, in all likelihood, he gets paid. You know the guy I'm talking about. I'm pretty sure there's a grand total of 3 guys who do this, but there's that one guy that like 93% of all movies use - he's got this deep, rich voice that's almost a whisper but instead carries force and confidence. I swear he can make anything sound good. If a movie was named "Stained Jockies", he could say it in that luxurious baritone of his and you'd be convinced that all your hopes and dreams for life rest on viewing the theatrical wonder that is "Stained Jockies".

The kicker is that this guy, while he sometimes has 3 whole LINES of dialogue (WHAT? That's overtime, folks - you can't tax the larynical (no way that that's a word) sex that is this voice and not pay through your arse), he often does say 1, 2, or 3 words, depending on how creative or edgy the producers got with the movie title. I mean to say, the entire trailer shows, and during that time this guy was probably drinking $500 a bottle wine from the glass slipper of the last empress of the Ming Dynasty just because he can, and then, near the end, steps up to the mike and utters less syllables than most cheerleaders do in those letter cheers they do, and gets paid.

I'm not money hungry - I'm sure he isn't paid as much as say, some medium sized European countries. I'm lazy hungry. Come on, dude gets paid to speak less than I have to if I want to order lunch. That's sweet. Hey, I wonder if when he orders fast food, he goes up to the counter and is all like "Double Bacon Cheeseburger Combo" in that voice. Bet he gets free cheeseburgers, too.

I'm so taking his job. I'm off to practice my guttural pied-piper routine. Feel free to tell me what YOU'D like to hear the movie voiceover guy say. I have good laugh imagining him saying mundane and ridiculous things. Then again, I'm a lonely guy.

Time Well Wasted?

2005-04-28T11:56:00.000-03:00

I love that slogan from the Comedy Network, but in all honesty, it's almost become a reality for me. As I grow older and older, time becomes more of an issue, more of a commodity, more of a focus, and less of an intangible, taken-for-granted...thing. How the heck do you define time, really?

All I know is that the more intrusive it is, the more it pisses me off.

I used to sleep in until 12:00, 1:00 on the weekend, and never think twice - I mean, come on, I have all day, all weekend, right? I feel guilty if I sleep past 9:00 now. Lame. If I'm not productive in some way during the day, haven't made efficient use of TIME, I feel like it's been a wasted day. I didn't make TIME for exercise today? Wow, I'm a bad person. I was sick today, but had to get online halfway through the day and work, so that I accomplished something with my TIME.

It gets worse.

Even within blocks of TIME that I'm doing things, whether it's working, relaxing, whatever, if I don't accomplish certain things, it's been a waste of TIME. I only got so many errands done while I was out today, I didn't do as many exercises or ride as long as I should have, I didn't freakin' level my character high enough during this video-game session. If only I had more TIME.

Don't get me wrong, this isn't a stress thing - I never feel stressed out about TIME. I barely ever get what I'd call stressed anymore. It's a guilt thing, which I hate even more. Guilty over time? C'mon. What's my friggin' rush? Honestly, I don't know what other things this whole growing up crap comes with, but if they suck as much as being constrained by TIME, I'm looking for Neverland starting tomorrow.

This is a pretty bare-bones, simplistic rant-barf, but that's where I'm at - TIME just keeps speeding up on me, weeks are blurring, and I'll be 29 before I know it. There was a lot I wanted to do by now, and while I know I've still got lots of time and that ultimately what I DO doesn't matter, every day seems to increase the imperative that SOMETHING happen.

Thoughts? Not just on my specific thoughts or situation, but on the utter evil of TIME.

So many haircutting puns

2005-04-22T11:47:00.000-03:00

"Hair today, gone tomorrow."

"The end of a hair-a".

.
.
.

I'm sure there's more, but I'll be frigged if I'm gonna use up my creativity for the day thinking of things that annoy me.

So yeah, I cut my hair off last night. It's noticeably cooler, maybe in more ways than one. For all of you who said you liked my hair long - thanks, but I found myself facing the conundrum of your everyday common girl. If I wanted to be low maintenance and not really worry about things like cutting or styling my hair, it was basically a giant frizz-ball that blew all over th place in the wind and made me look like a mad scientist (not saying that's not a cool look and all, but...well, ok, it's not a cool look.)

On the other hand, I could spend time and money and make it look all pretty and cool and trendy and such, but that pretty much goes against every inclination I've ever had in the past 10 years, so that's out as well.

In the end, it was a fun experiment, and worth it to see how it looked, felt, etc. Anyway, here's some fun action shots from the shearing ceremony last night:

One final picture of me and the hair

The scene of the crime

This is the hair that came off from ONE pass (well, it may have been one and a little bit, but basically one)

Hard to see, but I attempted to leave myself a sweet rat-tail

The end result

So yeah, as you can see, I'm back to my normal, close-shaven self. I'm thinking I'll actually grow the hair to a reasonable length again, and try something different, but hopefully more manageable. Remember, it's all about being able to be socially presentable in 10 minutes or less.

In other news, the points system officially drops Monday, or whenever I have time to figure it out. Not sure if it'll be retroactive, but I'm thinking yes, mostly because I enjoy awarding and punishing. I should've been emperor somewhere.

What the heck I'm up to

2005-04-19T13:04:00.000-03:00

It's occurred to me that, possibly, some of you have only vague ideas of what's going on in my life right now. After all, I'd say I have vague ideas of what's going on in your lives, and since I disclose roughly the same amount of information I soak in (in regards to people and relationships, anyway), it follows that maybe a little update is in order. If this bores you to tears or seems like self-indulgent posturing, screw you. How's THAT for fostering relationships?

Might as well start from when I left Bethany. Nope, I didn't graduate. No, Prez didn't enlist me in his secret militia, which some of you might've heard (mostly because I started and made great efforts to propogate that rumor). And no, I won't tell you why. At least not here. I will leave it to the winds of rumor and gossip, because I think that stuff is funny, and hopefully the stories will somehow involve me wielding swords and saving damsels.

Anyway, I came back to Fredericton, and decided I needed a job. So I got one, schlepping produce at the Superstore. I did that for 3 freaking years. I hate broccoli on levels most of you can't fathom (pull broccoli from a box full of ice at 7:30 AM on a winter's morn and you MIGHT have an idea). It was a job, though, and for the most part I was treated well and made decent money. For the last year and a half of that, I went to school, studying Web Design and Development at Compucollege, which is just as shifty as it sounds. Oddly, I've discovered they've since cancelled the program that I took, and so far, I'm the only one from my class to have landed a job.

Yeah, I got a job. I personally think the guy took pity on me because I'd been to school for over 8 years but couldn't MAKE people call me doctor (I still hold little kids upside down by the ankles and force it out of them, though - once a bully, always a bully, I guess). In any case, this little company called Red Cow Technologies hired me on, and now I write computer programs for web-based applications. As a good example of the type of thing, I could probably write my own blog program instead of this one, and perhaps even improve on it. Phear my leet skillz. I've been working here for almost a year, really like the people and the direction of the company - we're up for a KIRA (Knowledge Industry Recognition Award - my coworker has suggested the "Keeping It Real Association", which is WAY cooler, but whatever) award for "Best New Startup Company", and just the publicity alone should be worth a lot. If we win, however, there's a good chance I'll be a millionaire in 3 years. I'm in on the ground floor, baby. Anyway, I say all that to say this: it's going well, and I like it, for the most part. It's not my passion, but I'm not positive I have any of those, so that's OK.

I moved out recently - I now reside a whole 10 minutes away from the safety and warmth of my parents house, sharing an apartment with one of those aforementioned jobless classmates. I rub that in his face every chance I get, often using sock puppets to illustrate the success of my life and the dismal failure of his. The productions get rave reviews, I swear. He's a good guy, we get along pretty well, but for those of you who roomed with me when I had no clue how to think of anyone else living with me - I am SO sorry. I get it now. Seriously, if I go home again to an empty milk carton, wiener package, and bread bag all on the counter again, HE'S going to be greeted with a powerbomb so devastating he'll be afraid of lint falling off his clothes and landing on the carpet in his room. Nice guy, though, good sense of humor.

So that's what the heck I'm up to, more or less. I sincerely would like to be regaled with reciprocal stories of what the heck all of YOU are up to. Except for the ones I know. From each of you, I want a dirty limerick. I'm making my weekly rounds of public bathrooms tonight, and I need some fresh material.

PS - I have added some photos of me because I am sexay and narcissistic and you shall be subjected to my beauty and learn to love it. Also, I wanted everyone to see how absolutely dumb long hair looks on me before I cut it off for the summer, since anything above a steady intake of breath makes me sweat as it is. Oh, who am I kidding? I sweat when I breathe, too. You'll learn to love that as well, though it will be a harsher lesson.

There will be no attention drawn to the genesis of this blog!

2005-04-18T13:46:00.000-03:00

Look at me, I have thoughts and opinions!

I figured now that the "trendy" phase of blogging (at least, in MY eccentric, sporadically trend-hating mind) has passed, I'd go ahead and start one up. I really have no idea why, except that lately, I've wanted to write crap down, and maybe see what other people think, for some unknown and likely self-serving reason.

That being said, I expect 10 or more responses extolling my life's accomplishments and the erudite sensibilities with which I conduct myself, both on and offline. Any less, and I shall unleash a grisled horror the likes of which have ne'er before been seen upon the hapless shores of Atlantic Canada!

My wrath can be appeased through the offerings of muffins. But GOOD muffins - none of this boxed mix junk. I'm really craving a muffin right now.

In all seriousness, I'm finding myself with a severe lack of socialization here, and I'd just like to have a forum wherein I can converse with my friends and acquaintances who are far away (or near, though really, come on - just come over, you're like 10 minutes away), occasionally bring up serious topics, and then promptly send the discussion of said topics spiralling into an endless abyss of potty jokes. Is that too much to ask?

If so, I refer to the above-threatened horror and subsequent muffin placation.

I'll also try to get posting more on other's blogs - I run hot and cold with my committments, as anyone unfortunate enough to cross paths with me is likely to attest to.

So, post away, young e-...peeps. Let us revel in this glorious courier service of 1's and 0's!