Vocal Vocation

I've had an epiphany - I now know what my dream job is, and I'm gonna pursue it like a plains-running feline pursues sweet, juicy antelope. Mmm...antelope. It's not rock-star, it's not energy-weapon wielding hero of the universe. Not even close.

I wanna be a movie trailer voice-over guy.

I just finished perusing a bunch of new movie trailers, as Saturday morning habit often dictates, and found myself overwhelmed at how little this guy has to work, but how much, in all likelihood, he gets paid. You know the guy I'm talking about. I'm pretty sure there's a grand total of 3 guys who do this, but there's that one guy that like 93% of all movies use - he's got this deep, rich voice that's almost a whisper but instead carries force and confidence. I swear he can make anything sound good. If a movie was named "Stained Jockies", he could say it in that luxurious baritone of his and you'd be convinced that all your hopes and dreams for life rest on viewing the theatrical wonder that is "Stained Jockies".

The kicker is that this guy, while he sometimes has 3 whole LINES of dialogue (WHAT? That's overtime, folks - you can't tax the larynical (no way that that's a word) sex that is this voice and not pay through your arse), he often does say 1, 2, or 3 words, depending on how creative or edgy the producers got with the movie title. I mean to say, the entire trailer shows, and during that time this guy was probably drinking $500 a bottle wine from the glass slipper of the last empress of the Ming Dynasty just because he can, and then, near the end, steps up to the mike and utters less syllables than most cheerleaders do in those letter cheers they do, and gets paid.

I'm not money hungry - I'm sure he isn't paid as much as say, some medium sized European countries. I'm lazy hungry. Come on, dude gets paid to speak less than I have to if I want to order lunch. That's sweet. Hey, I wonder if when he orders fast food, he goes up to the counter and is all like "Double Bacon Cheeseburger Combo" in that voice. Bet he gets free cheeseburgers, too.

I'm so taking his job. I'm off to practice my guttural pied-piper routine. Feel free to tell me what YOU'D like to hear the movie voiceover guy say. I have good laugh imagining him saying mundane and ridiculous things. Then again, I'm a lonely guy.