No title will do this justice
Hey all,
It's come to my attention that I suck at regular blogging. Mostly because I knew that would be the case a couple months ago when I started this thing, but it's been proven true with time. Yada yada, blah blah, I'll post as I come up with stuff, I guess.
One of the main reasons I've been less than fruitful with posts is because I've been through a bit of a crisis of...everything, lately, and the resultant stress and anxiety left me the ability to do little more than wash myself and remember to perform life-affirming rituals like "eat" and "sleep". Ask me personally sometime if you see me, and I'll give the story with varying degrees of detail, depending on how much I like and/or trust you. Suffice to say, I now find myself thinking "Yeah, it's probably about time (and by that I mean it's about 5 years later than it should be) that I stopped being an idling, complacent, self-serving jackass and decide whether or not God is gonna rule my life."
So I've decided to not do the stupid thing and now I find myself with no clue other than to open myself up to Him how to relearn, or even learn, how to trust Him with everything. By the way, while I will accept advice here, I'm not explicitly looking for it. I hate to play the Bible College card, because I know there's still plenty to learn, but having gone there for four years, I feel I at least have a handle on the gist of theology. What I mean is that I've not been the most successful at staying faithful and steady when I AM walking with Him, and since I haven't been walking with Him for about 4 years now, the rust and inner demons have somewhat piled up.
Fortunately, I seem to have been graced at this time by an undeserved amount of dediciation to trying. All of you who are more disciplined and wiser than I should fully prepare for taxing question and answer periods. I will attempt to provide refreshments on the veranda immediately following. I may ask you to provide the veranda.
Long story short, I am humbled and broken, I'm willing to open myself up and I'm hoping for faith and belief beyond what I feel I can exercise, because doing this on ye olde "own strength" doesn't seem like an option. Thought some of you might like to know that, since you apparently love me for irrational and heartwarming (seriously) reasons and refuse to give up on me, even if you would occasionally like to beat me with blunt stuff all too often for being silly.
So there that is.
posted by Hooper @ 3:01 p.m.
9 Comments:
Wow. Thanks for sharing this, Geoff. You know where to find me if you ever want to talk. I do have a varanda, you know.
Sadly my pastoral Salary and student loans have forced me into a life style sans veranda. However I’d love to have some refreshments. As a matter of fact having refreshments is one of my core values. Even if they aren’t very refreshing like buffalo wings. Point being that’s really cool and I’m excited to hear more. I’m glad you don’t think you can do it. That is a very positive thing. Truth is you probably can’t. That’s a big part of the point of that big section at the front of the bible with the laws and the wandering and the and smiting and such. We can’t do it. I have a book that explains the rest with remarkable clarity. Anyway, I sincerely hope to see you at Beulah. I will get there Sunday night and be there until the next Sunday. We will have refreshments. Mmmm, refreshments.
Being a closet Calvinist I'd like to try and encourage you in this regard. Don't look at the past four years as failure or wasted time. Obviously your salvation has been continually worked out with fear and trembling. To quote steve taylor. "you've had enough religion to make you nervous." Don't throw the past away. It's part of you. Build on it from here. Otherwise you'll try to build a life divorced from who you really are. Lemme give you an example. There's this guy. Let's call him angry man or A.M. for short. AM ran away from his former life to bible college where he tried to be something he wasn't. He tried to emulate all the together people in his life and in the process lost himself. Now he struggles to figure out just who the hell he is and where he fits in this whole Body of Christ thing. The wasted years for AM weren't the Godless ones. They were the ones spent trying to be something he wasn't. I guess what I'm trying to say is don't beat yourself up over the past. Embrace it as part of who you are and trust grace to turn garbage into treasure. Good things grow best when we plant them in crap. The more crap you embrace and cultivate the better your life will grow. Throw it away and you're left with a barren land that will only frustrate any attempt to grow anything. XOXO
man, rossy, your comment really hits hard...it's got some good sense behind it. geoff, i'm so glad for you! :) keep on.
Thanks everyone, for the comments so far.
I'm not sure when I'll be at Beulah this weekend, AJ, but I'll make sure to get a visit in with you at some point, at the very least.
Rossy - I couldn't agree more. Even if I WANTED to forget, I couldn't. My biggest issue is that I have a very difficult time forgiving myself for stuff. That's self-centered at it's core, I realize, because if God has forgiven, I'm obviously a moron for not doing the same. I'd say that's my hurdle at the moment, and has been for many a season.
Why do I hold myself to such a higher standard than everyone else? Gah, that's SO conceited. Thanks for the insights, Rossy, it's something that's been ruminating in my head, so it was nice to see someone else put down it down in words.
geoff,
i can relate... sadly the way that i am geared causes me to be my own worst critic as well... (freakin competitiveness) satan loves that and uses it big time... i guess i feel like sometimes i should do better, and i should be more holy and i, and i and i... what a load... it is self centered... i cannot do squat without God's grace, strenght, etc, but i can do all things in God's strength... so many times lately i have felt like i should have saved my marriage by being better or whatever, but you and rossy are right that we need to get off ourselves, take responsibility for what we can change now and leave the rest to God... for what it is worth hooper, i love you man and will continue praying for your awakening... Praise God, and by the way, i don't have a veranda, but i do have a nice little deck on the front of my cottage... come to GM, we will play some ball...
hey geoff, isn't it about time for your once-a-month post to be published?? (july 26th here)
wow. it's hooper! long time no talk dude. anywho... to my comment about you post
well, I see everyone who I went to school with on here and I'm starting to think "Hey, Bucket, you should do a blog"
then of course I think "When do you think you'll have the time to do a blog? it requires committment, and frankly, that's not something you've been all that great at."
But hey, I've been getting better at it, what with my daughter (Emilee Jayde McLearn - 01/13/05) and my website (http://www.canusracing.com) I think I'm becoming more committed to different things and sticking with them.... maybe I will try something out.
KEEP AT 'ER BUDDY!
1. comment spam is just plain sweet.
2. post. now. or i will sick the diggerydude on you.
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