If this is my midlife crisis, the good news is I'm halfway done
No comments on how long it took me to post. I'm very sensitive about it/don't care.
So yeah, I don't think I'm cut out to be a computer programmer for the rest of my life. Mostly because it seems to bore the crap out of me some days. Some days, it's ok, but more and more frequently I find myself sleepy and uninterested in doing my work, which produces less than desirable results. Also, sitting in a computer chair all day is slowly turning my already bad back into a nerve and muscle network of pain. So mainly I'm tired and hurting all day, and getting paid very little to do it. No thanks, I might as well just be a rodeo clown. Hmmm...
Anyhow, this is bad news, since I'm not trained to do anything else, and I will be 30 this year. Vagrancy is not an option, and at this point, for me, going back to school and paying to study something else that might not turn out to be my thing seems unlikely as well. Sooo...
I'm genuinely asking because I'm genuinely adrift here. What should I do? I really don't know what my next step is - unfamiliar territory for me. While I've been "in between" things before, I've always had a good idea of what to do next, or at least a good idea of how to figure it out. Not so this time. I ask the same questions everyday:
- Should I suck it up, stick it out with programming, hope either things get better at this company or try to find something elsewhere?
- Should I try schooling once more, thinking really carefully and committing fully to a career path before making my decision?
- Should I pack my bags, get on a plane, and fly off to somewhere where I can help less fortunate people in a practical and tangible way? This is a serious question, but seems escapist to me.
- Should I become a private eye? I've been watching Veronica Mars lately, so this one definitely seems sexy.
Unfortunately, you need some sort of way to support yourself in this world, which is just terrible, because my skillset is pretty much "eating, sleeping, smartassedness". Honestly. There are other things I can do, sure, but that's about all I'm really good at. Heck, I'm not even good at what I do now - I'm average at best. This is not a cry for sympathy or a cast for compliments and affirmation - this is reality. I'm the veritable Jack of All Trades.
I'm asking the people who read this blog because, for the most part, you're also the people that know me best. I mean, I'm sure I'll figure it out on my own just fine, but maybe for some reason, one of you has insight or can relate something I've not thought about. By the way, please don't just say "pray about it, trust God, etc. etc." - those things are obvious. I'm looking for real suggestions, here.
posted by Hooper @ 6:29 p.m.
14 Comments:
I wonder if there's a position open for testing new expansions for Settlers...
I guess I don't have any real suggestions since I'm not allowed to state the obvious. I guess what I'd ask is, is there anything you like to do or are interested in that gets you really excited? Besides video games I mean. Or do I?
Maybe it's all a matter of how much work you would have to put into what you want to do. Becoming a full-time musician takes a ton of work, but if you're up for it then there are rewards in the end. If you like financial stability, then you obviously don't have to put too much effort into staying where you are now.
I dunno. I'm just a kid, I obviously don't know much about that sorta thing, thanks be to God for telling me many years ago what I'm supposed to do in life.
I would suggest getting around people you love to be around on a consistent basis. (this might mean moving.) In this setting, I expect what you're doing will become less important--if it contributes to your being in meaningful community. So, if you know people you want to be around daily, then move to be around them. Get a job there and give yourself to upping their life value.
Speaking theologically for a second, we have made work the prerequisite for property and property for what we minister with. So, we go to school to become good at something to serve others or to make money to give to others. I think it should go the other way: Your real work--your real value to community--is how it frees up someone or pulls someone into community; but the community comes first. in your case, it would take getting around people you love and gaining access to 'property' (mutual apartment or food or money) before you work to contribute to it. because I don't know the people around you--in your church, your friends, your co-workers, etc., i suggest moving. maybe you can stay where you are if you have valuable enough relationships. what matters is that your work adds to your community and your community comes first. for this to be valuable, you don't have to be the best programmer; you have to add value to people you love. if there are none around you who you can overlap this idea of work/ministry, then that's why i said move to where you can make that happen. it's sometimes easyier to minister to friends (and if they are friends, then you usually have a place of belonging first)...where the money you make (even at a boring job) goes to sustaining community with them.
i expect that will come out jumbled. let me know.
hey geoff, :)
what ap has said is quality. (i might have to apply it to my own life). like you said at an earlier time geoff, "most people don't get their fulfillment from their jobs, they just eek out a living so that they can do the things they really enjoy doing." so if you enjoy certain people, your job *might* start to feel less mundane and more meaningful if it contributes to the benefit of the people/things you really care about. i can't really advise anything, because i'm in the same boat as you. i do know the *kind of person* i want to be; i do know who i am now; but i don't know of an exact, specialized, vocation that goes right along with it. so i say, think about the kind of person you are and who you want to become before you die, and then think about the environments you could put yourself in to *be* that person. that's what i'm gonna try to do.
so ya like music, sports, video games and eating and sleeping... hmmmm... sounds like youth ministry to me... and to be honest i can't freakin wait...
***to all the youth pastors out there, i know there is a bit more than that...***
I do not offer my opionion because I think I am intelligent or have a lot to offer, but because when you hear someone say the things that you said, you want them to find the answers. You want them to find that fulfillment and purpose and satisfaction. I think you should really think about that packing up the bags and going somewhere other than America or Canada idea. All I know that the last 5 months I have spent in the country where I am now, have changed my world perspective. Why not take the adventure. You're single and Canada will still be there waiting for you when you return.
very true
I think everyone has made some good suggestions here...especially AP. I know that your situation in Fredericton is not the greatest, and it's more than just your job. Work is just an obvious one because you spend so much time there...but as AP pointed out I think it's more of a community issue then a job issue.
Right now you wake up, eat, go to work, eat, work some more, come home and eat, go to bed and then wake up and do it all again tomorrow.
If you had a group of people around you that you enjoyed spending time with outside of work I think that might at least ease some of the problem.
So basically...all I am saying is I'm with AP. (And that you should move to SJ :)
AP and Paul are jerks. They just want you to leave ME behind. Having said that, though I love you, I do intend to leave Fredericton myself someday. Anyway... sometimes moving is a good answer, but friends will come and go wherever you go. Maybe you just need to get out more. I dunno.
Ah, so many things to respond to. Thanks to everyone who took the time to indulge me here.
AP - yup, you rambled, but I got it all, and as usual, you're thinking in all dimensions, if that makes sense. I agree, if what I did had some benefit to someone(s) else, outside of sustaining my own existence, it'd be more fulfilling and less of a struggle. It's a getting from point A to point B problem once that's realized.
Jo - keep getting on MSN, I'm enjoying talking to you. I also liked this a whole lot, and have been thinking about it, as simple a piece of advice as it might seem to be:
"think about the kind of person you are and who you want to become before you die, and then think about the environments you could put yourself in to *be* that person."
Scottie - I appreciate guys like you and Dave Lunn that still think I could be in youth ministry, 'cause that just shows me how much you want people involved in youth and how passionate about it you are. That being said, there's no way I can, and short of a burning bush, no I will get into youth ministry again. Not my desire, and bridges are still on fire to this day.
Josh - First off, thanks for your perspective, I'd say don't ever hesitate to offer your opinion, 'cause you're a thoughtful and level-headed fella and anyone who doesn't at least respect how you approach conversation needs to get bent.
As far as North America still being here, yup, 'tis true. The IT industry will leave me behind, though, so it's less black and white than just up and going - a year out of this field means that, sans schooling, I'd end up right back where I am now - low paying job with little security and benefits. I'm not saying it's not a good idea, nor something I don't think about, just pointing out why it's more of an escape than a solution in my eyes. Now, if it proved to be longer term, THAT could be a solution.
Paul - I'd love to be in SJ, it'd be great to be around you guys more, but I'd probably end up turtling like I do here, save for my visits with you and Nata. Also, the landscape there for work isn't any less bleak than here, to my knowledge. You know all that, though, and I love that wanna have me around :).
Whitey - the problem with getting out more is that people are always wanting to DO things. You're one of the few I can just sit around with. You know how I enjoy a good sit. Inevitably, whenever I get out, all I can think about is how much more I would've enjoyed being in. Isn't that awful? It's the truth, though. I just really don't like hanging out with most people. My problem, not theirs.
By now, all of you are probably like, "Fine, stew in your stupid depressing situation, don't accept our advice." I honestly do appreciate it, and read it all with an open mind. I'm just very much an analyst, so I tend to pick things apart and find the problems with them.
I'm also very sad no one has suggested becoming a private eye. I thought that'd at least get a nibble :(.
Bottom line, I AM listening, and I AM grateful.
Geoff, you ignorant slut! For some reason that SNL referance is the first thing that came to mind. Sorry to those of you whom that will offend. I think AP's thoughts about going where there are people is good. You might consider moving into a nursing home. They are full of people who love a good sit as much as you. Most of us have a certian dicotomy of skills. There are the things we like to do and the things we can get paid to do and they are often not the same. (For example I hate exotic dancing but it pays the student loans.) I think there are 3 ways to handle this.
1. Do what you can to make money from 9-5, do what you like on evenings and weekends.
2. Find a job where part of what you are paid to do is what you like to do, that's how the job aspect of ministy is for me.
3. This option involves a little more creativity. You figure out a way to completly merge the two things to make what you can be paid to do what you like to do.
In you case I would see this working out as a web site full of humour and pithy social commentary. I think you are a good writer. One of the few people who I know who can be genuinly funny in print. I say you move to some place where you have friends (ideally who will let you sleep on their couch for a couple weeks). You get a basic IT job and work at it fow a few months while you get your personal website up and running. As advertising money starts to flow in from your web site you ease back on your day job. Like you said having a job keeps your skills sharp and so your day job quite being a pain in the arse waste of life and becomes paid training and practice for your prefered job. You could stay home and work in you underwear and pick your cyst and go out when you please. Those are my thoughts. Either way I think you should move just to shake stuff up, weather it's to Saint John or Halifax or Tokyo is irrelevant in one sense.
Just to add weight to my argument you haven't posted since just before the French Revolution and yet as soon as you do comments start poping up. The reason? People like to read what you write.
I agree with AJ you're a good writer. Every think of writing for the wittenburg door? They accept submissions from virtually anyone since their magazine is largely made up of free-lance stuff. Just a thought.
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