Explosive Creativity, Sans Spark

Hi.

Yes, it's been a long time. No, I don't have a new job. I'm not whining about that, because I have something else to whine about and don't want to "use it all up" just here. Suffice to say, money is tight, getting tighter, and soon I'm fairly certain I will be taking whatever the heck I can get that will allow me to not starve. I don't regret leaving the old job - I get updates from a former co-worker, it still blows there. I just think it might've been prudent to have started my search BEFORE I did, but I knew I wouldn't try unless I had to, so yada yada.

Ok, so does anyone else ever have this problem where they feel like they might explode if they don't get something creative out? I only ask because I've felt that way for the past 10 years, roughly. I mean, I like to think I'm a fairly creative individual with a deep-thinking mind, and I have, in the past, found temporary outlets for creativity. But it's not enough - it never has been, and I'm not sure it ever will be. I feel like I have this giant geyser of...something...boiling up inside me. I feel like I've got some sort of epic or opus or whatever that just LONGS to get out. It's close to painful, honestly.

The problem is twofold:

1) I am a lazy perfectionist. What does this mean? Basically, it means that unless I can do something perfectly, I will probably not bother doing it. What does this mean for creative endeavours? It means that I start, get fed up because it's not perfect, get discouraged, and quit. Yes, it's a shitty (that's right, shitty - this bothers me a lot) attitude and approach. But there it is. It also leads into...

2) I am a pansy. I'm afraid of whatever comes out of me NOT being perfect. Isn't that stupid? I'd never hold anyone else to that standard, but you'd better believe I need to be perfect, or else I'll regret it. Or so I'm told. By myself.

So instead of being creative myself, I just enjoy other people's creativity in order to escape. Good hobby, bad application.

I don't care if it's songs, or a work of fiction, or a friggin' paper mache statue of the Sugar Crisp Bear. In an ideal world, someone would be filthy rich and see fit to fund my creative genius, and I would actually be ambitious enough to overcome my laziness and produce some work of brilliance that would inspire mankind for years to come. Can't get enough of that Sugar Crisp.

For the few of you still checking this blog, here you go, another self-serving and id-driven piece of Hooper to marvel at. Sigh...I've missed this. So very helpful to come and talk about myself in a (semi) anonymous forum. That being said, don't be suprised if it's another 3 months before my next post. My life is terribly bland, and talking about me comes in fits and spurts of candidness, not consistent revelations.

PS - Jo, name my car!

PPS - I realize I'm pretty self-centered, no worries, but what do you think - is it EXTREMELY self-involved to think that I have some massive creative gem lodged deep within me, or am I giving in to Hollywood-Rockstar fantasy here? Note that recognition is not a driving force for me in this regard, which is both a source of relief and pride, which in turn is self-centered. I am wonderfully symmetrical in my narcissism.