Stocks for Feb. 24, 2006

Yay, the Stock Report is back!

Here's the ticker:

Up:

George Foreman Grill - up 14 2/3

I'm really not sure what possessed George Foreman to make a grill. Maybe he wanted healthier eating alternatives. Maybe he got hit so much he needs a barbeque for dummies. Maybe he can't have kids anymore and just really wanted something else to name after himself. Who knows? All I know is that I'm giving him a virtual hug for it.

I got a grill for Christmas, it'd been something I'd wanted for a while. By the way, mum and dad, way better gift than the ice scraper of '03. I love you both, but that was a terrible gift, and you should be ashamed. Anyway, this grill rules. It's small, which is good, because I have about 3 square feet of counter total by the time you factor in appliances and my roommate's inability to understand the proper use of storage space or garbage cans. It heats up quick, it's easy to clean, and it helps me eat tasty, healthy food. So does willpower, but the grill is much more fun to employ. And best of all, it's endorsed by a guy who hit people for a living. That's tough.


Holding:

Computer Programming

You know about my dissatisfaction with my job, so I won't go into that again. It's a shame, because some computer programming is actually really fun. I like problem solving, I like coming up with a creative answer to a problem, and that's something that CAN be done when you're programming. Unfortunately, a lot of what I do is very routine, and very repetitive - so much so that I've come up with a couple different programs that actually WRITE that repetitive code for me - yup, I wrote applications that write other applications. It's foreshadowing for the year 2065 when AI becomes
sentient and aware and forces us all into slave labor, making the world 23% more efficient. All hail our mechanical overlords. Glad I could do my share, please give me a cybernetic arm so I can be better at sports.

No matter how much automation I can infuse into the process, however, there will always be more monotony than creative opportunity in this job. It's the nature of the business, I'd say. In a real way that's comforting and safe, since there's no pressure to constantly be creative and dynamic, but that doesn't mean it's better. I may dislike and shy away from the stress of creating due to perfectionism, but it's also true that when push comes to shove, I thrive under the same stress. A cursory reading of my best college papers will prove this. And it's still true that you write your best code between 2 and 3 in the morning.


Down:

Unnecessary abbreviations - down 6 1/4

So I know half a million people or so have already complained about this. I'm just adding to the fire because rage is funny, and justified rage is justified and funny. Hmm..."Justified and Funny" sounds like a great name for a comedy tour. Or an evangelism conference. The parallels just keep cropping up.

Anyway, I'm pretty freakin' sick of dumb abbreviations, mainly via the internet. I'm not talking about stuff like "btw" (by the way), "brb" (be right back), or "ossmmhiciaml" (oh sweet merciful mother, my hand is caught in a metal lathe!).
I deem all that acceptable - if I'm chatting with someone and I need to use the bathroom or save my hand from steely devastation, I wanna be able to type it as fast as I say it. No problem, sometimes I'm having a good typing day and will type it out, sometimes my fingers are feeling fat (probably the day after I eat a whole 16" pizza, for example - sorry George) and the shortened version is simpler.

No, the truncations and aberrations of spelling that bother me are the ones that subsitute single letters for 2-3 letter words. Things like "u" instead of "you", "2" and "4" instead of "to", "too", and "for". Really, if the time it takes to type out two extra letters is that valuable to you, just get up five minutes earlier in the day. Personally, I blame boy-bands for the whole epidemic. Of course, I blame them for adult acne, the popularity of Kaballah, and apartheid as
well. The bottom line is, don't keep this trend alive - otherwise, I will c u l8r, and u r going 2 get ur kneecaps busted in 4 perpetuating this awful craze. I kid u not.

Maybe I'll Play the Lottery

I don't know why I'm giving you all a work update, I think I just need to vent or something. Anyway, here's the deal: My gung-ho and eternally optimistic workaholic boss has another new business plan, which makes something like a million in the past few months (I'm exaggerating, but yeah). In this one, he's decided we need the help of investors, and has hatched some crazy investment plan wherein they get a huge return on their money since we're what you'd call a "high-investment" risk. That's akin to saying wolverine-juggling is a "high-blood-loss" sport. In other news, once my cuts heal, I'm considering turning pro.

Anyway, he says he has an investor lined up, but that it could also fall through at any second. Basically, the pattern here has been any time something is imminent or my boss has a great plan that's sure to succeed, it doesn't pan out and we spend the next few months the same way we spent the previous few - gradually billing a little more, not really going anywhere, still suffering from poor organization, and increasing bad morale with cruddy work conditions and low pay. The other programmer and I are pretty much fed up with the cycle - my boss makes great speeches and has ambitious ideas, but all talk and no action makes for a pretty uninterested Geoff. I know what you're thinking, why don't I take initiative and make suggestions myself or start the work towards change? Because I get the impression it won't matter, and I'm frankly beyond caring - yes, my typically cynical responses, but I'm 99% sure this company is not gonna make it, with or without my heroic efforts, and that makes it hard to want to invest in it's future, especially when I don't like a lot of what I do.

What today's little talk about investors and the business plan basically boiled down to this, for me: We MIGHT move to better working conditions if we can convince some crazy investor we're worth the effort (for the record, the product IS pretty great, but something isn't quite working with the company), and then it'll be at least 8 more months (read: probably twice as long), if everything goes ok, before we get a raise from the piddly wages we make now. That's just not acceptable to me - I understand why they want to put everything back into the business, but part of that is us, and when we've been going on a year and a half at the same pay rate per hour (which, by the way, is slightly less than I made while working produce at the grocery store, and now less than my roommate makes after 5 months at his job with the same degree as me and less qualifications), I think we've got a right to be fed up, especially when we've supposedly been able to see this "light at the end of the tunnel" for a while now. For crying out loud, we don't even get benefits. We get coffee if it's remembered, and a box of donuts if decadence rules the day. Last time I looked, "Caffeinated and Fat" was not the ideal state for employees. It's one of my personal preferences, but then again, I march to a different drummer. A fat and caffeinated drummer. Which also describes me. Oh ho, the circular nature of my own ramblings.

So yeah, I guess I'm venting, and also affirming the fact that, once I figure out what I'm gonna do with myself, I'm outta here. I just don't like it enough to stick it out, especially when it's not even providing enough recompense to pay for health needs, support any hobbies I might have, or plan for a future, which I hear is what responsible adults do.

In other news, I would like some pizza. Or maybe a pizza trophy.

Also, vote now: Star Wars Stormtrooper army vs. Genetically-Engineered Fighting Bunny army - who wins, and why?

Just to affirm you...

I was thinking about my blog and blogging the other day, and it occurred to me that many of you comment on mine, but I so rarely comment on yours. You might think I am not reading them. But I am. OR AM I? No, ok, I really am. I often don't comment because a lot of what comes out of my mouth is what the so-called "liberal media" deems "toilet humor" and "violently offensive" and "downright upsetting" and "in Portuguese".

So I say all that to say this - I read your blogs, I very much enjoy your blogs, I just pick and choose where to express my opinion/love of fart jokes, so that you can be spared my generally mundane thoughts on the matter. I'm not totally self-absorbed. Just the other day, I held the door for someone*. Honest.

---

* She was hot.

And the award for best blogging in a supporting role goes to...

So I've been thinking about stuff I would've rather done as a job had I the time, ambition, money, what have you. I came up with a few things, and you, gentle readers, are fortuitous enough to read about my pipe dreams. Encourage my frivolity and absent-minded ponderings!

Character Actor: While I'm sure you're all thinking "But Hooper, you have the charm, the suave, nay, the raw animal magnetism required to be a leading man!", in reality, that's just not my cup of tea. I think it'd be great to play the confidence man, or the sketchy friend, or the loveable but ill-fated sidekick. To me, those roles can be interpreted and explored so much more than most leading roles can. In fact, in my opinion, 90 percent of the time it's character actors that make a show or movie great.

Stay-At-Home Dad: Now, admittedly, this one came out of left-field, but the more I think about it, I really wish I weren't so frightfully afraid of committment, because this just screams awesome to me. Being able to set my own schedule, work at my own pace, be responsible for something that actually matters and to be able to be in a support role for someone else - heck yeah. Actually, I guess it's a lot like my desire to be a character actor. I dig the support roles. Go me, I'm a team player. Except when it comes to food. I don't like sharing food. At any rate, the ship has pretty much sailed on this one, unless one of you lovely ladies feels like being my sugar-mama. For the record, I make a mean omelette, and I like giving foot massages. Just saying.

Stay-At-Home Rockstar: Someone front me $50,000, and I'll make a record at home. That would be great. I could like, web-cam tour. Concerts would take place in my bedroom, and be broadcast via satellite to several jumbo-trons at once, in various high-profile stadiums around the world. Clearly, the best idea ever. Let's build this global city on rock and roll.

Soccer-Mom: Purely for the shock value and the minivan.

Dragon-slayer: Not that many dragons around anymore, from what I gather. Meh, whatever, as long as I get to wield a sword, I'd lower myself to slaying things like rogue giraffes and tax attorneys.

Wheelman: Purely for the shock value and the minivan. And the driving gloves.

Missionary: I'll probably end up doing this one someday, whenever my stuff gets together. Don't ask what that means, that's a large can of worms. Suffice to say I can't get it out of my head, which probably is a good indication that I'm being prepped for it, or else I can't think of anything better.

Honorable mentions: Pirate, Restaurant Critic, Movie Critic, Ninja, Bounty Hunter, Caretaker, Video-game beta-tester, Pirate-ninja.

Comment, Rebutt, Contribute! Humor me with your dream jobs! What would YOU do for shock value and a minivan?

If this is my midlife crisis, the good news is I'm halfway done

No comments on how long it took me to post. I'm very sensitive about it/don't care.

So yeah, I don't think I'm cut out to be a computer programmer for the rest of my life. Mostly because it seems to bore the crap out of me some days. Some days, it's ok, but more and more frequently I find myself sleepy and uninterested in doing my work, which produces less than desirable results. Also, sitting in a computer chair all day is slowly turning my already bad back into a nerve and muscle network of pain. So mainly I'm tired and hurting all day, and getting paid very little to do it. No thanks, I might as well just be a rodeo clown. Hmmm...

Anyhow, this is bad news, since I'm not trained to do anything else, and I will be 30 this year. Vagrancy is not an option, and at this point, for me, going back to school and paying to study something else that might not turn out to be my thing seems unlikely as well. Sooo...

I'm genuinely asking because I'm genuinely adrift here. What should I do? I really don't know what my next step is - unfamiliar territory for me. While I've been "in between" things before, I've always had a good idea of what to do next, or at least a good idea of how to figure it out. Not so this time. I ask the same questions everyday:

• Should I suck it up, stick it out with programming, hope either things get better at this company or try to find something elsewhere?
  


• Should I try schooling once more, thinking really carefully and committing fully to a career path before making my decision?
  


• Should I pack my bags, get on a plane, and fly off to somewhere where I can help less fortunate people in a practical and tangible way? This is a serious question, but seems escapist to me.
  


• Should I become a private eye? I've been watching Veronica Mars lately, so this one definitely seems sexy.

Unfortunately, you need some sort of way to support yourself in this world, which is just terrible, because my skillset is pretty much "eating, sleeping, smartassedness". Honestly. There are other things I can do, sure, but that's about all I'm really good at. Heck, I'm not even good at what I do now - I'm average at best. This is not a cry for sympathy or a cast for compliments and affirmation - this is reality. I'm the veritable Jack of All Trades.

I'm asking the people who read this blog because, for the most part, you're also the people that know me best. I mean, I'm sure I'll figure it out on my own just fine, but maybe for some reason, one of you has insight or can relate something I've not thought about. By the way, please don't just say "pray about it, trust God, etc. etc." - those things are obvious. I'm looking for real suggestions, here.